Turning On The Sun Lie
When I was younger (maybe 7 or 8) my uncle who is four years older
would tell me that he turned on the sun in the morning. I said that I wanted to go with
him because I didn't believe him. The following morning when I woke up he said he had
taken me but I slept through it.
Hey, Who Hit Me Lie
When I was a kid my uncle Sam would hit me. I'd say,
"Hey, why'd you do that?" Sam would claim he hadn't hit me, he'd say,
"Jack hit you." Jack was always the one doing the mean stuff to me and
when he was nice he was Sam.
Sadistic Liar Lie
Okay, so when I was a kid I was playing big African hunters with my neighbor Neil... I was the lion... he had the hammer (gun), which he flung it at me and hit me smack between the eyes (ouch!). With blood streaming down my face I rushed home to mom screaming at the top of my lungs... I screamed to my mom "am I going to die? am I going to die?" and I think she must have misunderstood and thought that I was asking if I was going to be okay. She answered in the affirmative, "Yes you will, but don't worry the doctor will take care of it." I cried all the way to the doctor...I thought that I was about to meet my maker. Well he put a couple of stitches in and I went home with a bandage and a headache.
To this day, I don't know if my mom was confused or just a sadistic liar that liked kicking her son while he was down.
I was five years old and I noticed that my dad didnt have any hair in a big circle at the back of his head.
I asked him, "Dad, why dont you have any hair in that big circle at the back of your head?"
"Your mother pulls it out," he told me.
I was four years old and I was relaxing with my head on my mothers stomach. I heard strangle gurgling noises. Strange rumbling sounds. I couldnt believe there was so much noise in my mothers stomach.
I asked her, "Mom, whats all that noise in your stomach."
"Cigarette butts," she told me.
I had known cigarette butts all my life. They were the foul smelling crumpled remains of the cigarettes my mom smoked by the carton. I knew she didnt eat them but I imagined that while some of the cigarette remained in ash trays, the rest of it reformed into a cigarette butt in her stomach.
from: A Waitress
When I was just entering my teen years, my mom pulled me aside and she said, "Theres something I should tell you."
"Whats that, mom?"
"I just want you to know that both your father and I are allergic to marijuana." I think she said "marijuana" to make it sound like some big scary far away thing.
"Okay." I said.
"Well," she said. "That means that genetically you are also allergic to marijuana."
I learned later she was lying.
At a very young age, like most kids, I was quite curious and had a tendency to pick up objects on the ground. I would be most interested in the mysteries of objects lying on the ground in...say, parking lots or on sidewalks.
One day, there was a brown paper bag in our local "Boys Market" parking lot and of course upon seeing it, I went for it. My mother told me, "Don't touch that bag!"
"Why?" I asked.
"There may be a bomb in it". At that point, my mother informed me that I better not pick up strange objects because they may be "bombs."
Allergic To Boys Lie
I came in one day from the park after playing touch football with
the boys. My body had red blotches all over. I said "Mom what are all
these red marks on my body?"
Night Blind Horse Lie
Every summer when I was a kid I used to ride horses with my friends in a small town in Utah. We would ride all day long. When we all turned 12, we added to the fun by riding over to some boy's house we were all in love with to spy on him. Then we decided to meet other boys for a late night rendezvous. When I got home late one night, my parents told me what I had done was dangerous and that I was lucky I had made it home.
"Why?" I had asked.
"Because horses go blind at night."
I found out years later from my older sister that they had told her the same thing when she was a kid. Horses, in truth, see better at night than most other animals.
Smashing Bottle In Face Lie
I remember being in elementary school during the late fifties, long before all that Just Say No stuff, and they would show us films to keep us from smoking pot. I remember this one film they showed us ten times over the course of several years. It had these kids getting stoned in it. At one point they get real thirsty. They can't remember how to open up their coke bottles and so they smash the tops off and jab the jagged shards into their mouths. Most gruesome bloody filmic image I have seen to date. We were terrified.
Well, it was a lie -- I've known lots of people who smoked grass and non of them ever jammed broken glass into their mouths.
When I was a teenager and getting ready for a school dance, my
grandmother took me aside to tell me that if I let a boy kiss me while we were dancing I
would immediately have triplets.
Never Walk Over
A Puddle Lie
I went to a catholic school and Sister Mary-Teresa used to tell us how to avoid getting into trouble with boys:
1. Never walk over a puddle: boys will see up your skirt in the reflection on the water.
2. Never wear shiny, patent leather shoes: boys will see up your skirt in the reflection on the shoes.
3. Never wear white: it makes boys think of bed sheets
Never Eat Seeds Lie
My mom used to tell us that if we ate grape seeds, apple seeds or
even black berry jam, that the seeds would collect in our appendix and we would have to go
to the hospital.
Where The Wild Things Are Lie
When I was a little kid, well all through my childhood really, my dad was never around. I was about five when I asked him, on a particularly beautiful Saturday that would have been nice to share with him, "Where you going, Dad?"
He answered as he always did, "To where the wild things are."
"Can you take me to where the wild things are?" I asked hopefully.
"No, you're not old enough for wild things," he said as he left.
It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned he had carried on a fifteen year affair all during my childhood and that was why I never saw him.
Tar Lie That Is Not A Lie
No one believes this but when I was a kid in San Francisco, this
was south of Market, on hot days we used to tear up a chunk of the pavement tar from the
street and chew it like gum. We had the best tar in the city and kids would come
from all over to try to steal our tar.
My mom used to tell us when we were kids that if we ate plum seeds a plum tree would grow out of our heads. I ate them like crazy after that.
The Made-Up Family Lie
When I was younger I used to have my own imaginary family named the Glorias. I told my mom that the mother of that family was my real mother. Everytime I told her that she wasn't my real mother she would tell me that the Glorias had taken me away from her a long time ago as if she had bought the story. Then she told me that she was like my babysitter. Ever since then I've never wanted a family of imaginary friends.
Seed Babies Lie
My mother told me babies came from seeds. Dip in photo solution and a
baby would grow.
Perfect Family Lie
Let me tell you, I was raised in the "ideal family" they never lied to me, always answered my questions truthfully and to the best of their abilities. Here is where the lie comes in, people say that lying must be learned, I say no I am a liar, and I have absolutly no remorse about it. Lying isn't inherited, it is done for convenience, because the truth takes so much more effort.